You know how some people have this amusive ability to alter their Facebook pictures until they actually look like someone you would be envious of? I'm not referring to blurred out acne scars or red eye control. I'm talking full-fledged appearance transformations with the aid of a mouse and a lack of social commitments. Alright, now that you've got that in your mind.. Imagine an unfortunate middle aged man who enjoys beans out of the can and decided to clean all of the dead bodies out of his basement last month. This same man accessed a computer at the public library, Googled pictures of a legitimate home, and used his masterful copy and paste skills to create his very own Craigslist ad. Beautiful work, Beans.
Now, imagine a girl whose biggest concerns in life thus far have been big feet, gangrene and piano lessons. This sweet girl has a little bit of an attitude and a slight aversion to commitment, but all in all, she means well. How is she to know that you cannot trust Craigslist? Obviously never believe anything in the Free section, whether it is a dental exam, virginity or a collection of Smurf posters in mint condition. When it comes to housing and someone's well being though, shouldn't people be up front? This is America, after all. Land of the free, home of the people should make things easy for Stephanie.
I would prefer that my landlord not have his modeling debut on the National Sex Offender Registry.
In the midst of apartment tours, house inspections and canceling appointments for places that forgot to mention their backyard shared a fence with a questionable power plant, my roommate and I have begun to consider expanding our horizons. Maybe a bigger house in a nicer community would keep us safe and give us enough room to only see each other when we are watching television or baking the latest recipes on Pinterest. However, this may require us to find an additional roommate since neither of us possess the Midas touch or are open to selling plasma (quite yet). As we considered our options, we slowly realized the brainwashing of our fathers had finally soaked in. This is a business and we are hot commodities. (Well, extremely warm. I'm pretty emotional, so the temperature fluctuates seasonally.) With a bit of venture capital under our J.Crew belts, we need a business plan.
Dear Potential Roommate,
Laura and I are holding interviews for potential roommates. The interviews will be conducted in a professional setting. We require at least three previous roommate references. We would also like to see pictures of your furniture and clothes. If you are slightly heavy, that is great. Nothing gross, but we love people who will make us look thinner. We prefer that your attractiveness level fall between somewhere in the 5-8 range. Personality is included in this since we are girls and have no intention of hitting on you. We just want you to say funny things and share your pretty clothes. Please provide the information requested and answer any questions that follow. Complete sentences, please. If you are wondering if grammar is important, you should spend the next ten minutes of your life doing something else.
1. We would like to see pictures of your past boyfriends. Also, please explain why the relationship didn't work out.
2. What are your drinking habits?
3. Do you share your alcohol? If so, do you expect us to share in return?
4. What is your parking agility?
5. Tell us a joke.
6. Do you understand sarcasm? Shut up. You are not important.
7. Did you recognize that that was sarcasm?
8. Did you laugh?
9. If you spilled a bag of flour in the kitchen, explain in great detail how you would go about cleaning it up.
10. How many one night stands have you had? Please know that no matter the number, we will not judge you as long as you know their last names and are friends with them on Facebook.
11. Do you remember to lock the doors when you come home drunk?
12. Do you remember to lock the doors when you come home sober?
13. If you are intelligent, that is awesome. However, we will not be humored or patronized.
14. Describe your perfect man.
15. Now, describe what he is wearing.
16. New Balance or Asics? Please note that Saucony is not an option.
17. Full bottom underwear or thong? A happy medium between the two is acceptable, but you can only pick one of the provided options.
18. Are your Nike shorts Medium or Large? If you wear Small, I am sorry. You are out of the running of being Raleigh's Next Top Roommate.
19. Do you return clothes when you borrow them?
20. Do you ask before you borrow them in the first place?
21. Will you be judgmental if I wear the same outfit six days in a row? You will be allowed to make a comment once the seventh day has been reached.
22. What are your thoughts on raves?
23. What kind of hangers do you use? Are you willing to replace them all with the white ones from Target? We like consistency.
24. Do you cook things that smell weird? If so, are you willing to never cook it again? Like, ever?
25. What size shoe do you wear?
26. Do you have a double name or a second middle name? If so, please choose your favorite so our monograms will be balanced.
27. Do you put your name in your white v-necks? Laura doesn't like for there to be confusion.
28. I occasionally choose to not follow social standards for hygiene. Is that ok with you?
29. Do you know who Cake is?
30. Can you beatbox?
31. What are your thoughts on impromptu rap battles?
32. Coke or Pepsi products?
33. Supply and explain the meaning behind every nickname you have ever had.
34. What was your first AIM screenname?
35. Provide a haiku explaining why you are the perfect candidate.
Although, we prefer that 32 out of 35 of the requests above be to our liking, we also may need you available for move-in in approximately three days. Please email all inquiries to Laura. I am not providing her email address because your ability to find it says everything about your character.
Just in case we become desperate, let me give you the approach I would take.
- Look through all previous blog posts to find my last name or some information about my college experience that could be possible university matches under the name Stephanie.
- Find the picture of a Stephanie with that last name beginning with a Y in that network that looks like she would have a blog about things that do not matter and place more importance on her monogram than her hair.
- View all friends and search for, "Laura."
- Eliminate all Lauras in this list that are not the same age as Stephanie or are not in her most recent network.
- Email every single Laura on that list until one responds and actually knows what you are talking about.