Granted, my emails rarely serve a purpose other than to ramble, rebuke or talk about my daily life in a reprobate manner, but still. Many people signed up to live alongside me knowing all that it entailed. When I say many people, I mean everyone, actually. I do a pretty good job of making it clear how things are going to go at first interaction. Tell me I'm wrong. DO IT.
Just kidding.
It's ok. A lot of people don't appreciate my sense of humor. Whether it be a moral conscience, a fear of God or the fact that they are actually just a good person, some people just don't find me entertaining. For that, I apologize. The truth is, I hang out with most of you guys just in case hell grades on a curve. I am being honest with you just as I expect you to be honest with me when you tell me that you didn't finish reading this. Much love.
Semi Formal is a memorable event for few, but a notable night for many. Me and 129 of my closest friends partook in an evening that entailed a bus ride never to be tried again unless under heavy sedation, a bar suited for hobbits and a dance party that would make any respectable parent cringe.
For those of you who were too retardedly excited about the night to remember your actions or those of you that were unable to attend this rendezvous, continue on for a completely unbiased recount of the evening.
- I would like to point out that the key lime pie was actually a type of garlic infested cheese. The strips of green which were thought to be strips of lime were actually green onion. Go figure. You're welcome for taking one for the team and finding this out the hard way. Maybe I was the only one to fall victim to this dessert dupery, but we'll pretend for now that many others of you made the same mistake. Three of your dates may have watched me try to save face, taste buds and vomit-free carpet by using nearby food and linens to remedy the situation. I'm pretty sure one of them gagged. It was borderline 2 girls 1 cup material. You're welcome for the visual. Tell them I am sorry and yes, I am single.
- Everyone can thank my date for being the documentarian of the evening. I have some really awesome shots of a number of you in questionable positions with 1. me, 2. your date, 3. food and 4. each other. I hope running for political office isn't a dire necessity in any of your lives. If so, I accept bribes, lemon squares and poems about how pretty I am. In other breaking news, the writer formerly known as "Lacy" may or may not have a promising future in soft pornography.
- A thank you to all of those who made my body their wonderland over the course of night. I know this is a fun habit for many of you at every event and I just want you to know that I truly appreciate your generosity.
- Big shout outs to the following dates:
- The date who asked if my pockets were kangaroo pockets and if so, whether "hopping in my ass like a kangaroo" would be "inappropriate." Uh, real quick. One, your date thinks he is Afroman. This is a problem. Two, yes it would be inappropriate. Three, be sure to tell him I am still deliberating as to whether the Australian accent helped his argument.
- The date that I found hiding under the table during my initial quesadilla raid. Taking into consideration the three bottles around him, I assume this was after the announcement of one drink per person and the animal hunt for underage consumers. Next time, though, maybe hold off on all fort-like adventures until you get home.
- The date that was under the impression that the bathroom area was only there for his viewing pleasure. He stood at the kitchen door and watched every entry, exit and all other miscellaneous restroom activity. I am not saying this was rude behavior or anything, I'm just saying it was incredibly weird as fuck.
- Heads up to whoever brought the boy wearing a light colored shirt and patterned tie of some sort. He may have had dark hair? Specificity is my jam. Anyway, I really hope you don't make a habit of giving anything he says any sort of credibility. Not that I don't trust your judgment, but after his 17th remark that would validate him as God's gift to N.C. State, I felt the slight need to inflict pain upon both myself and an innocent kitten. He may be really awesome in real life, but something still tells me I would be physically incapable of agreeing with anything that comes out of his mouth. He could be reading my grandmother's homemade german chocolate cake recipe aloud and I'd still be like, "Fuck that. NO."
- One of you has slowly, but surely come full circle. Legitimately though. You have definitely been the entertainment of every event I have ever been to and/or planned (whether good, bad, ugly or bruise-inflicting), but you were awesome last night. You lasted the entire event and no one was hurt, violated, railed or derailed. I know we can't take credit for everything, but still. It's hard not to feel a touch of pride when someone we've been supporting for so long finally makes it to the big time.
- One of you thought the catering manager was your date. He tried explaining the occurrence to me last night, but clarified with an email this morning. Apparently he was borderline jumped as he passed by the dance area making his many trips to and from the food table. As he tried to flee the scene and your "surprisingly firm" grasp, you took this as him playing hard to get. All in all, he made it out alive with "only one minor cut." If this was you and you knew that he wasn't actually your date and you forced yourself upon him anyway... don't worry about. No shame. Don't be hurt. It's not you. It's him.. and his wife that he's had since his sophomore year at State. Yea. No comment. Kaysee, Iris and I had statistics with him and tried to Pi Phi up his life many a'confidence interval, but he would never allow it. What a prude. Thanks for cutting him.