To the person who got me sick: Congratulations. You may be the most contagious person alive. Not only have you accomplished what hundreds of people have been trying to do over the past six years, but you have done it well. You infested me with your pathetic little germs and for that, I hate you. I have not had a cold since before that one time I died momentarily in the tenth grade. I'm not sure if you deserve a medallion, a gold star or a swift punt to your pelvic region... The jury is still out.
I am pretty sure I signed a form in the hospital that agreed to suffering the rest of my life from random spouts of pain, black outs and having musical instruments as insides every time I eat.. and that is fine. A deal is a deal. Bring it. However, I am pretty sure this contract mentioned nothing about any other health atrocity, may that be allergies, pregnancy or the common cold. Thus far all I have been allergic to is bitches and pollen and I have been dealing with those just fine. I wouldn't wish pregnancy upon anyone, so I am hoping karma will back me up on that one. A cold though? Really? A cold? How many street corners do I have to pass out on to avoid this constant dilemma of being able to inhale and exhale without sounding like Brainy from Hey Arnold?
Yes, I hear you. That jibberish you call "an argument" would make sense in some cases, just not mine. Why? Because I am awesome. Duh. So you're saying maybe this sickness is attributed to my ignorance of any and all active germs? Yea, about that. No. Germs aren't real. Will I eat food handed to me by a stranger with no questions asked? Well, yes. If I am hungry. Will I share drinks with someone who has yet to rid themselves of mononucleosis since they were in preschool? Yes, obviously. Why not? By choice, will I become blood brethren with someone who contracted AIDS from a tragic saliva exchange when they were simply trying to pass along a Life Saver via toothpick at a Young Life camp? Again, straight positive. I don't see what the issue is. I am perfect, and in no way susceptible to you people and your commoner illnesses.
This constipation of breath cannot be accredited to these made up "germs" you guys keep yelling at me about. This disease was man-made.. and for that, someone will pay. Too bad the only person paying right now is Ed since I infected the rest of my family with the snotty goodness and now he has to go buy drugs to keep us from being pathetic lumps of human.
On a more cheerful note, this cold is doing wonders for my appearance. Most people have a red nose, puffy eyes and hair as if styled by a blind second grader with only one arm.. but nope. Not me. I am freaking adorable. For real. You guys thought I was cute when I was attached to a wall and fully dependent upon a catheter to get the job done? Psht, please. Gangrene's got nothing on this sore throat. Pimps beg women that look like this to be their prostitutes. I could make someone named Mackdaddy G. Smooth a very rich man.
Legit. I am warning you. Those that fear my thieving ways in normal health.. Seriously. Hide your boyfriends. I am coming back to Raleigh and I am more ready than ever to take what is yours. Slut levels running high, I have my tissues in hand and Dayquil infused sizzurp in my monogrammed tumbler. Shit is about to get real.