It's dirty. It's filthy. It's wrong.. and I like it.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not the worst person alive. Deep breaths, people. I know. It took me aback too. I like jokes. Not weapons. Not genocide. Not raw tomatoes. Just jokes. That's all.
I can see where one would get the idea that my remarks are a bit harsh, or as my teachers would say, "uncalled for," but one would be wrong. I am awesome. Sorry, one. Thanks for playing.
Wait. First. Really though. Does anyone understand how much wrath I get for things that I say? Granted, the majority of said wrath is just facial flinches, cringes, eye rolls and the always enjoyable, "Really, Stephanie?" ..but still. Wrath nevertheless. I suppose I keep you wrath-givers around to keep me in check or to serve as some sort of moral conscience. Sometimes it's just a buzzkill though.
I've got seven problems.. and you're five of them.
I'm joking. Totally just joking. Totally. See? There you go crying again. I'm sorry. I guess I just didn't realize we were against the whole stating the blatantly obvious thing. Moving on.
You think I am harsh? Meet the people I spend my time with.
I get by with a little help from my friends.
God, I'm so original. Allow me to brush my shoulders off. And done.
As I watched Milkshake spread his proprietary scent around his nesting site before class began, I decided to text every single person that I know in hopes of outside entertainment. I do this a lot. Those of you who fall victim to this each and every time, I am sorry. Not so sorry that I plan on stopping though. Only because you're doing so great. So, so great. Thumbs way up.
After mass texting out variations of the sweet command, "Entertain me," I began to reap benefits of awesomeness. After about the sixth text message, though, I realized something.
Friends. Dear, dear friends. My parents would so not let me be friends with you if we they were still setting up my play-dates and wiping my bottom. Oh, high school. Them were some good years.
I didn't ask for cruel remarks. I didn't ask for demeaning or harsh critiques of innocent bystanders. I asked for entertainment.
Entertainment, I received.
Responses to my request follow. Most are edited and condensed due to terrible grammar, even more terrible spelling, continuous conversation and the fact that I still want my family to love me if they read this.
- How much cleavage is too much cleavage when you have to walk by the brickyard preacher on the way to class? I'm at the Atrium, but I think I might skip.
- I RIPPED MY JEANS!!! They are so tight. Gross. This is why boys don't like me.
- John 3:16. Kill yourself and just come back later. I'm pretty sure it works that way.
- I think my lab partner might be a lesbian. Should I ask her or just touch her boobs and see what happens?
- This girl in my class... her face looks like a cat. Overwhelming desire to draw whiskers.
- How many black people are in your class right now? Don't lie to me.
- If you're in the library, DO NOT use the bathrooms on floors 2, 6, 7 or 9. I just did a very bad thing.
- I'm going to call you. Answer, pretend it's an emergency and run out of the room. Buy me a Mellow Yellow and bring it to me.
- Imagine me in fetal position underneath a tree.
- I just took someone else's Taco Bell order. Like Stephanie, I stole someone else's food. The rush is unreal.
- I'm pregnant.
- Have you ever punched a baby before? Like in the face? I'm about to punch this baby in line and I really need a strategy.
- I saw you earlier, but you were too far away to say anything. Are your jeans acid washed? Not ok.
- I want to jump my TA.... and not for his money.
- I have successfully avoided nine Pi Phis today. Angel of the Week, what WHAT!!?
- Your sister is so hot.
- DTF? I'm not, but if you are then I can be.
- I skipped all my classes today so I'm not going to pretend that I care that you're bored in yours. Sorry.
- I hate you.
- A baby can experience an orgasm in the first week of life.
- Go read a dictionary or whatever other weird stuff you usually read. I have better things to do.
- No.
- I saw you dancing in front of Daniels. That's why I didn't say hey.