Over the past few years, I have spent a great deal of my time sitting on the very modern couches of Caldwell Lounge. When I was a freshman, I remember there being a large number of tables and chairs for students to eat near, congregate around and do work on, but that is about it. As time has passed, the number of tables have dwindled. Cushion-less couches and polka dotted foot stools have been brought in to take their place. Why the change? College of Humanities and Social Sciences, people. Let's be real. We only study if we look cool while we're doing it. The only reason they put Port City Java in the Park Shops is so we would have to walk through the Court of Carolinas. This obligatory stroll serves as a reminder of the beautiful, grassy hills waiting to be sprawled upon once the warmer months have arrived. Without that walk, CHASS students would never leave Caldwell Lounge.
Some call it home. Some call it the Disneyland of Language. Some may even refer it as the place where all Urban Outfitters clothes go to die. Me? I like to consider this room, 'Stalk Central.' Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. That window isn't there for architectural beauty. That window isn't there for environmentally friendly lighting. That window is there to serve one purpose: Voyeurism. Well, voyeurism without the sex. Well, maybe with the sex. It kind of just depends on who you are or what your research is in. Go communications, right?
We go. We go hard.
To all the students filling the halls of Tompkins, Caldwell and Winston, this window is known as, 'The Window of Animadversion.' Yep. Fact. Everyone calls it that. It's true. It is also completely normal that we call it that since we are Communication majors and we like to use big words. Ok. I'm just kidding. No one calls it that. Just me. And not even me, actually. I just googled a synonym for the word "stalk" to find "animadvert," so clearly this story is going great places. You're welcome.
So. What is so great about Caldwell Lounge? What is so great about the Court of Carolinas? What is so great about me talking about them? Uh. Nothing. God. Psht. Please. If you guys wanted legitimacy, you would have been gone a long time ago.
I now give to you: Observations From the Corner Couch of Caldwell Lounge. This list is sponsored by the entire bulk bag of peppermints I found when I was going through the cabinets under the sink by the drink machines.
- Too many skinny jeans, not enough females.
- A couple dining around a picnic basket, as they sit on a shared trench coat. They are outside. Dear precious couple that may have a hint of androgyny, it is cold outside. No peanut butter sandwich is worth frostbite, I promise you. And that is coming from someone who knows their peanut butter. Not worth it.
- Converses. Like, out the yang. You heard me. Not just the ying, but the YANG.
- A girl on a polka dotted foot stool. She is sobbing. Reading a book while doing so, yes.. but still sobbing. Either she is upset that there are no couches available or she is reading, 'Things Fall Apart.' You decide.
- Man with lots of face hairs napping in his hammock. Said hammock is roped between two trees outside, just below the window. Did I mention it is 24 degrees? Dumb, sir. You are dumb.
- Toboggan. Jean shorts. Uggs. Three items. Two seasons. One outfit. Girl, bye.
- Far couch. The couch is purple. Maybe for good reason. Girl sitting upright on couch. Girl sitting on floor, just below her. There is a hairbrush involved. Stroking and giggling follows. They are not 12, nor are they at a slumber party. Ladies. This is real life. Ladies. This is college. Ladies. This is public. Ladies. This is just awkward.
- Boy next to upright girl is watching keenly out of the corner of his eye. I can't tell if he is disgusted, amused or just patiently waiting for the initial shoulder kiss and instantaneous make-out session. Inspired by his Literature and Film class, perhaps he is just casting extras for his latest movie project, 'You've Got Male.' Who knows.
- Stumbles. Yes, I give this name to a lot of people, but we have a new winner. He is approximately 6'4", not very dark or handsome, but may or may not have exceptional hearing. If I knew the size of his ears, I could tell you more, but the hair falling ever so beautifully to his belt line is currently obstructing the view of those bad boys. Coincidentally enough, the same long locks are also hindering my ability to decipher whether this "Stumbles" is actually male. Regardless of his ears, hair and gender though, he definitely still learning about his feet. And how to use them. Eating brick is only fun if you're this guy. Sorry, Stumbles. Thanks for playing. Try again.
- Making his way across the field of dreams is a large Hispanic man with an ass that won't quit. Recognized. He is in my African Lit class. He is great. He always does the reading and is an exceptional speaker. Fun fact though.. if someone ever forced him to choose between having athlete's foot or body odor, he would most definitely choose body odor. And he would choose it EVERY. TIME. Indubitably.
- Middle table. Spotted. Boy who dated Emily.. and then Sarah.. and then Emily.. and then Sarah.. and then not Sarah.. and then Sarah.. and then Emily.. and then Sarah.. and then not Sarah.. and then kind of Sarah.. and now not kind of Sarah. His skin is like porcelain. Not the, "Oh my god, your skin is so beautiful it looks like porcelain" porcelain, but more like the, "Your face could be a ceramic plate," kind of porcelain. Dude. No lies. Either way, I'm jealous. I wonder what his SkinID is? I should ask. And by ask, I mean should definitely not ask and should stop staring.
- I tried giving the rest of my M&Ms to a girl who was in my seminar freshman year. She declined. Bitch. I know for a fact she likes M&Ms. She clearly just doesn't trust me. I guess some friendships don't last forever. Way to let a girl down, Naiima. I really thought we would last.
Done and done. African Literature is calling. Not that I'm answering it, but I'm probably just going to go watch it ring for a while.
Your turn, Masich. Bring the Dane.