what up vasovagal syncope?

To all you ladiez out there that have dreams of working in a cardiologist's office and giving heart ultrasounds to morbidly obese men and young girls in a very vulnerable state, please do not observe Casual Friday. You own bedazzled jeans and you have a steady job. Great. Please keep them as separate entities. I know, this is America. I get it. However, just because you have a baby and a blender doesn't mean you need to go get button happy. Just saying. All I mean is that I would really appreciate you smockin' it up before you put your sanitized hands on me.

Your Aeropostale hoody is really cute and that bright green gum hanging out of your mouth es muy atractiva. If this was a burger joint, you and those sparkly jeans would be a hot commodity. Who needs Millionaire Matchmaker when you've got style like that? However, this is not Burger King. We don't do things your way. I am lying here bare chested as you and your trainee feel me up with something that looks like it should be scanning cereal barcodes at Harris Teeter. My heart? VIC Item of the Week. Needless to say, we will be doing things my way today.

In addition, please understand that subtlety is a beautiful thing. That being said, as you perform the procedure, please avoid using phrases such as:

• What is that thing right there?
  
• Oh, wow.
  
• That is what that's for?
  
• Daanng.
  
• Is it supposed to look like that?
• What does that one do?
• That looks funny.
  
• Doesn't it sound weird to you?

I mean, I love unexpected remarks that can be construed into something perverse. Who doesn't? Oh, right. Bonnie. Anyway, even she can enjoy the occasional, "That's what she said." Seriously, though. My mind was legitimately drained as I walked out of the office. Come on ladies, at least make me work for it.

So, yes.

Overall success to say the least.